I went in to work facing mountains of paper and lists of
things to do. It was an avalanche waiting to crush me. I sat in a chair,
staring straight ahead. I started to work on a small piece of it. It felt like
trimming the toenail of a giant I could not conquer.
I went home to another range of mountains. This time, many were
posing as harmless crops and fields to be cultivated for the proverbial greater
good or a seemingly worthy cause. But, I thought, All of this is killing me, slowly, deliberately, one stressful toxin at
a time. I could feel myself suffocating, sweating; headache and exhaustion
from the thought of it; fear of a new mountain pushing its head up through a
volcanic floor. I needed to move away from the mountains, or move the
mountains away from me, or close the admissions window to all new
mountain-creating customers.
I asked others if they saw mountains too. Oh, they said, Mountains are everywhere. That’s just how the world it is.
Once I met someone who had actually moved away from the
mountains. It was killing me, she said,
So I moved. The weather is better. I can
breathe. My legs don’t hurt from climbing all the time. I can think. I can
rest. I can help other people. She put an interesting thought in my mind. What if there
really are better ways of managing the world than my own? How could I know? How
could I possibly change? I am surrounded by people like me. We feed each other
fodder that supports the culture of where we are. If I want to change, it might
serve me to study and observe those who are where I would like to be, rather
than where I am... But I was unsure if I had the courage to learn the path, to
leave where I was, to go towards success and peace.
Before I had a full time job, I had many beliefs about what
it was and what it could do. Once I had one, I learned things that I didn’t
know before. Holding a full time job successfully requires a blind discipline
to be present, to perform consistently, to negotiate working relationships
well, to prioritize the job over many other opportunities, to manage earnings
well, to manage my health and family well. Otherwise, I could lose my job. A
great full time job is not just a destination, it is ongoing maintenance.
What is entailed in maintaining one’s peace and managing
stress well? I see the signs. I hear the voices of those further down the road.
You can get here, they say. Start walking. Travel light. Find reasons to
love the journey.
I decided to lighten my load, one brick at a time. I feel
myself changing directions. The view is getting better.
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